I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
