She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
And then my night got REAL pukey
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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