Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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