I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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