Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
