Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
