my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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