I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
