I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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