I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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