I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
