my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
