My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
