she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
