i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
