I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My vagina just recognized that song.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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