Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
