i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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