I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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