Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
