What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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