i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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