if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
