it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
