I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
