this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
