I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
