I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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