A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
This house was built for laser tag.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
