We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
