I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
