The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize