No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
