I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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