Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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