I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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