And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
