i permit you to call me
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
