I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
