david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
