my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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