Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
