you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
