I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
