There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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