I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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