i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
