Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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