I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize