I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
