So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
