I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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