Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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