I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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