She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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