If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
