Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
