just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize