worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
