a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
