I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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