I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
