I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
