I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
