I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
this boner is exhausting
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
