I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
