I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
