you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize