I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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