cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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